Haiku for Scott  

the general worship collection:

#1
scott speedman, our god
worshipping you day and night
we get no work done.

#2

Not one single flaw
More perfect than perfection
How do you do it?

#3

Eyes both blue and green
Each stare takes my breath away
Windows to your soul.

#4
Scott, you humble saint
You not knowing you're perfect
Makes us love you more.

#5
Scott, what did you say?
See, you mumble when you speak.
Gobbledygook.

#6
Take it off, baby.
Just stand there and look god-like
while we worship you.

#7
Sweet Scott and Keri,
You can't hide your love from us.
Just get married now.

#8
You rub your belly.
You rub it all day and night.
GENEROSITY!

#9
Have we told you all
that we are sexier than
Speedy? Well, close call.

#10
Sitting in the booth
Stoned and dazed at MuchMusic
Hey, a star is born.

#11
Next time at a bar,
You find you need a free drink
I'll pay; I'm easy.

#12
U of T drop-out
Good thing college was a bust
We need you to act.

#13
Dear Scott, who's a Scot
If we buy you a cool kilt,
Please go full monty.

#14
Dear Warner Brothers,
Cast Scott in T3
Arnold will be pleased.

the felicity collection

#1
Dear clueless Noel fans:
I scoff at your ignorance
Go watch "Dawson's Creek."

#2
Lauren, you're so old.
Ben doesn't love you at all.
Have a martini!

#3
Closet is dark, Noel.
Open the door, Richard's there.
Do not fear! You're queer!

#4
Noel, you're not depressed.
You're just a selfish dickmunch
who should die. Quickly.

#5
In those swimming scenes
You're adjusting your package
Do it again, babe.

#6
Hey, JJ and Matt:
You should e-mail us today.
Our wisdom is gold.

#7
Dumb winter hiatus
I need Speedman every week
Jordan Levin sucks.

the making-fun-of-scott's-other-works collection

#1
Ode to Shining Worm
Grant us an introduction;
We will die happy.

#2
Can you unravel
the mystery that is you?
Or just Nancy Drew?

#3
Dearest Gwynnie-poo?
Crawl into your hole and die.
Scott? We forgive you.

#4
You deserve better
Film roles that meet your talent,
Not shit like Duets.